Tag: parenting
Only God Knows Why Some Women Don’t Want Kids
As far back as I could remember I didn’t want children. To be honest with you, I was never a girl who played with dolls. I remember playing with my dolls once and pretending to be a mommy. Naturally, the dolls needed a daddy, so I gave each of my dolls a dad, but they didn’t all have the same dad. I believe it was about five dads total. My mother was appalled and disgusted when I proudly told her about each one of my dolls’ imaginary fathers. She scolded me and told me never to play in such a way. I’m not sure if it was the multiple baby daddies that scared her, but I just remember being both confused and angry that she wanted my children to be illegitimate. We obviously didn’t understand each other very well.
I exchanged baby dolls for adult dolls. I begin to live vicariously through Barbie. Barbie had a great life. She danced around my bedroom at swanky parties and got dressed for her date with Ken. Barbie rode in a pink convertible to posh restaurants where children were not allowed and returned late in the evening to her pristine, childless home.
Years later, in my early twenties I met with an acquaintance for Bible study. We happened on the conversation of childbearing. She knew that I was a newlywed, and when I told her I didn’t want children, she asked me why. I didn’t have a valid response. I simply told her that I had never wanted children. My answer didn’t satisfy her, so she advised me to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to me why I didn’t want children. I ignored her. I assumed that she was a conformist who thinks it’s unnatural for a woman to not want to use her uterus to propagate children.
Years later, there was still no baby in sight. When you’ve been married five years, and you’re nearly thirty, people start to ask questions. In-laws and relatives start to ask when they should expect a child. And you can’t tell them that you don’t want kids without offending them. As questions came, I started to question myself. I finally decided to take the advice that I had been given years earlier during Bible study and I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal why I didn’t want kids.
The answer came quickly.
I saw myself at 15 taking care of my niece. It was then that I had decided while taking care of my niece that I didn’t want children. It wasn’t just my sister that contributed to my lack of desire to have children – my mother was another component. My mother frequently told us to not have babies until we finished a formal education and had a successful career. This message was drilled into my subconscious, and I equated children with failure and poverty. When my sister had her first child, she simply reinforced the idea that having a child was a terrible idea. I thought that babies ruin your life, and I associated kids with a list of negative outcomes that were solidified as I served as a caretaker for my niece.
The Pope drew some ire when he stated that deciding not to have children is selfish. The decision by women to not have children has been called indulgent, decadent, cold-hearted and dare I say hedonistic. Although it’s culturally taboo, women still don’t seem particularly anxious to have children. Nearly half of women between 15 and 44 are childless. A record percentage of women don’t want children and instead of people asking deep questions about our lack of maternal ambition – it’s much easier to assume that women who don’t want kids are simply selfish.
The reasons that women choose to go childless are far more nuanced and complex than most care to admit or acknowledge. But there are a few culprits blamed for women not wanting to have children outside of the coarse, hideous monster of selfishness. These culprits include but are not limited to feminism, time-consuming careers, health reasons, lack of maternal instincts, to the obvious moral decay of the world around them. But what if the culprit runs much deeper? What if the culprit is one singular childhood experience that shaped a woman’s view of motherhood and helped reaffirm societal messages that make childbearing seem like a bad choice?
Unlike the Pope, I don’t think that women who don’t want children are selfish. I think women who don’t want children are multifaceted, deep complex people who simply have their reasons – and only God knows why they don’t want children.
His Mercy is Never-Ending
I keep trying to convince myself that parenting is going to get easier. It doesn’t. The challenges change, and the difficulties rooted in parenting simply shift to other areas. My son is technically a preschooler, and I keep telling myself that in a year or two things will be better – it’s self-deception for purposes of sanity.
When my son gives me a hard time, I often stop and ask myself “Am I giving my heavenly Father a hard time? In a year or two, will I be better?” I often feel like I’m flailing about – swimming in doubt and unbelief… and displeasing Him, yet He rescues me from the depths every time.
His mercy is never-ending.
Parenting doesn’t just require patience, it requires mercy. Because when you are dealing with a rebellious, defiant, or downright uncontrollable child, you’ve got to restrain yourself when you find it impossible to restrain them. You have to extend love in the midst of your anger.
Most parents love their kids with all their hearts. If our hearts, which are evil are capable of loving our children so desperately; then God, who is pure righteousness loves us beyond our comprehension. His capacity to love us is endless.
Instead of sinking in doubt and unbelief, I need to learn to sink in His grace – because His grace, love, and mercy really is an ocean.
Teach a Child to Pray as Soon as He Can Speak
My child barely uttered a word until he was nearly three. When he was two, I started to panic when I realized that he was speaking in the wrong language. His first word was in Dutch – a vestige of my wanderlust.
“We are back in America now. You have to speak and learn English.”
A piece of me felt like a xenophobic bigot uttering such words. But it was true. We were in America, and he did need to learn English.
“When he starts speaking, he’ll never stop,” was the constant refrain of those around me. They were right. He is four and never shuts up. I’m happy that he can speak because it means that he can pray.
Susannah Wesley (mother of John Wesley) is often commended for her mothering. One of her parenting philosophies (that I’ve embraced for myself) is to teach a child to pray as soon as he can speak.
It was over a plate of blueberry pancakes that we first asked our child to bless the food. He said something so simplistic and profound that my husband and I both stopped to look at each other.
His prayer was this: “Jesus you love us. Amen.”
I was immediately ashamed of my long-winded prayers that focused on needs, wants, desires, fears, and worries instead of focusing on the most important thing – Jesus and His Love. This simple prayer continues to be my son’s favorite, and it has become my favorite too.
BOHO + THEO 